Dangerous Danan

A source who shops in the same branch of Kwik Save as Miss Church, reported seeing a short brunette female with massive lung capacity, somewhere between the ages of 21 (Charlotte's age) and 65, sweeping an entire shelf of the powdery substance into her trolley before throwing a £50 note at a member of staff and running from the store, shouting 'hold the doors Gav!'.

Concerns have already been voiced about that star by her friends and family, after she celebrated her 21st birthday by filling a paddling pool with self-raising and having a dust bath. Following Miss Church's addiction to butter the previous year, she vowed never to go near baked goods or their ingredients again. She even toured local schools to talk to pupils about the dangers of fairy cakes.

Dec has often spoken of his wish to be made an honest man of by Ant, but it was thought by some that the couple were too tied up by their glittering pop and television careers to find the time for such a big commitment. Ant in particular has been especially busy of late, filming a series of peanut butter commercials as well as opening three consecutive Morrison's stores in the same week. He's also just been made the face of British charity 'Help a Homeless Lettuce in Need'

A close friend revealed:
'Dec is getting tired of waiting. It's not like Ant is the only man who has caught his eye. Jimmy Saville has made his intentions towards him abundantly clear, and I'm sure I saw him and one of the Krankies getting very close when we all went to Marwell Zoo last week.'

However, it looks as though the wait may finally be over. Somebody who looked a bit like Ant's mum has been spotted in a florists near Barnstable, and the couple themselves were pictured taking a keen interest in the jewellery counter at Argos at the weekend, although when questioned, they maintained they had only gone into the for a new garden hose. Despite their protests, it is thought that the wedding will take place in the next couple of weeks, to fit in with Ant's filming at local allotments as part of his charity work.

IT'S thought that the Olsen's parents were unprepared for a surprise third baby, and hadn't factored an extra child into their extensive marketing ploy for the girls. A source close to the family revealed "to be honest, The Olsen Triplets just didn't sound as good. And Tom really threw the whole thing out by looking nothing like the other two. Adoption was the only answer".

TOM (real name Duke-Dustin-Dwight Olsen) was donated to a local zoo, where he was raised by a lemur named Marmaduke. At 18, he left the zoo to pursue a career on the stage, but it seems he never forgot his roots, and Marmaduke receives regular signed photos from his famous offspring, as well as a free membership to his fan club.

ALTHOUGH his childhood was a happy one, and abundant with peanuts, Tom was always curious to discover his roots. Thanks to his status as one of the church of Scientology's leading figures, as well as being a fully qualified expert on the state of everything, he found it relatively easy to bully the information out of the relevant parties.

LAST night, the Olsen family was unavailable for comment, and Tom is yet to meet up with his biological family, but it's thought that a new series, starring the extra addition to the duo, is being planned for the new year.

THE former teen temptress has eloped with a camel, whom she met whilst filming the video for her new single, 'Too Much Candy Makes Me Sick'. In the video, Britney is seen cavorting in the desert, covered in baby oil and suggestively eating a banana. She then jumps astride a camel and rides off into the sunset.

RUMOURS first began to circulate when Britney and the camel, known as 'Chad' became suspiciously friendly on set. She was then spotted leaving his loosebox in the early hours of the morning. Yesterday, her spokesperson made the following statement on the singer's behalf.

'Chad and I would like to confirm that we are a couple. The first day I met him, he bit off part of the director's ear and spat it into the sand. I was bowled over'.

HOWEVER, there has already been concerns expressed over Chad's shady past. The desert lothario earned himself the nickname 'Chad the Cad' after his shocking affair with three German nuns last Easter. Sources close to Britney say she is setting herself up for heartbreak.

'Chad will never settle down, He loves the ladies, and is always looking for the next conquest. His obvious charms means he always gets what he wants.'

EXCLUSIVE photos of Britney and Chad's brand new love nest in Beverley Hills are being fought over by the world's media. They are set to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show next week to tell their story.